Discussion Board: Dad's Role During Conception

Just before xmas I found out that I'm pregnant again which was a big shock as I have a 4yr old and a 6mth old baby.

My partner is not impressed as he didn't want any more. (4yr old is not his) He was addiment that the only option is to terminate. We discussed the reasons why - things like the size of the vehicles, the house, paying for the childrens edication etc etc. Now I didn't disagree but everything we discussed I thought and feel we can work around everything. I'm more than happy and are more than able to get work and earn some good money. Also knowing that we are not the only family to have 3 children.

My opinion is that we have been given this child and if this child is not to be with us I will miscarry. I'm not happy to terminate especially knowing I would be 12weeks pregnant at time of termination. The baby has everything formed by this stage.

I've gone through the steps of seeing the doctor to book the termination in and are coming up for the councilling season next week. Knowing full well I won't be going through with it. I'm 9 weeks now and I'm already showing and people are asking if I'm pregnant and I have to use the excuss that I ate too much xmas pudding.

Our relationship is on the rocks now and I'm having to go and stay with my mother to have some time out hoping that my partner will have time to reflect and take responsiblity and miss his girls enough to hold us together as I know that when the baby is born he will full in love just like he did with our 6mth old who is just delightful. He is such a good Dad.

I would love to hear from other dads or mums who have been through this.

I know exactlt what you are going through.
Been there done that.. I decided that no matter what I was keeping the baby.

I have to go give my little guy a bottle, but I will reply more later..

But if you need someone to talk to, txt me (027) 6754238

Hi. I hav ebeen through this twice.

The first tiem I was alot younger. I wanted to keep the baby but the father made me go to the doctors and stuff like you. I even went to the counciling session. But after all that I just could not go through with it. I told him that I wanted to keep the baby. Well he beat me so bad I lost the baby anyway. I ended up having to go to the hospital because I was bleeding so bad, and well the rest is history.

I wasn't even with the guy, I told him I had no expectations from him at all, but he lost the plot.

Even today, 7 years later, I still find myself thinking on what happened. I daren't dwell on it too long.

If you are not 100% sure you want to terminate, don't do it. There are always other options out there. Loose the man and go it alone. Adopt the baby out and keep the man. That way you will be helping another family to have a child as well. But again, only do that if you are 100% sure.

The second time I went through it was only recently. I thought he would be as excited as I was. I told him and the very first words out of his mouth were "get rid of it" He had all the same arguements etc as your man, the cost, having to get a new bigger car, education, size of the house etc etc etc. But I stuck to my guns and refused to even consider it. We never really argued about anything else. I was not allowed to tell anyone what he had said. I didn't want to anyway. He came around in time. The baby was and is about the only thing we ever argued about. The last screaming match we had about it when I was pregnant was a big one. I ended up telling him I was keeping the baby and that the boys and I would be fine with or without him. I told him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him, but it was no longer about what I wanted, it was about what was best for the baby, and if that ment him going, then that would be how it would be. I screamed at him and yelled and demanded to know what the hell was wrong with him. He went all quiet and eventually admitted that he was scared. Scared that he might hurt the baby because it would be so small and fragile. Scared that he would not know what to do, scared that he would turn out like his father. ( we have been best mates for years, but only partners for 4) He was scared that he would have to face his childhood and all the emotional crap attached to that. After that, we talked and talked for weeks. He came to all the scans, and every midwife, diabetes doctor, nurse and specialist appointment, even every blood test I had to do. He did a complete turn around. He was still terrified, but excited as well. Still had no idea where the money etc was going to come from, but that didn't matter. He was at the birth, and tries to help now.

I have been incredibly lucky, he turned around. But when we were in the thick of it. I was convinced I was going to have to go it alone again.

If you have your parents and family and friends for help, then you will be ok. There is always help and support out there.

DO NOT let him bully you into getting the termination. You will hate him for it for the rest of your life. It will always come between you.

I can talk to you and listen and offer advice on what I did if it would help. But in the end, the decision is entirely up to you. YOU have to live with what you decide to do.

Where abouts are you in NZ?

I feel for you both we had the big talk after #2 and had the same arguments, unfortunatly this is really somthing you have to sit down and talk out.
My suggestions from a male pov is suggest a vasectomy, this will inforce that he really dosn't want any more kids. it made me have a real hard think about not having any more (it's more a forever thing).

He may need some time to adjust and he's probably really scraed about not being able to support his family finacially and also missing out on his man time (golf or whatever hes into)

I wish you all the best and good luck.

It's been two weeks now. It was a very interesting experience.

I nearly didn't go then it was taking so long that I nearly up and left (3 hours first appt then 5 hours the next day most of which was just sitting and waiting). I'm so glad I didn't.

The social worker was fantastic. She listened was not judgemental. If I was unsure about anything she made a note on the forms. I said to her my biggest fear was having a termination at 12 weeks knowing how formed the baby was. She said to me do you not realise that you are here for your pre op check up? Your op is tomorrow. I was 8 wks 6 days preg. . What a weight lifted off my shoulders. My doc lead me to believe that I would have the first appointment then go back in a few weeks for the termination.

I also saw the Family planning doc, great also then a nurse who check blood pressure etc.

I decided that this was the way to go and had the termination. I would have loved to have keeped the baby but realisically I have two beautiful girls. I still have alot of debt to pay back from the ex. And I really didn't want two under 14months to care for and have the slight chance that I could be doing it on my own. The thought of being stressed out for 9mths was not a healthy option either.

As far as the termination goes, the staff at the hospital where fantastic. I was worried about being awake through the op but the drugs that are given work well. Out of the 4 minor past surgery's I've had this was the least painful I was very amazed. Your partner is allowed in to be your support if you don't have a support person a nurse is there for you. The surgeon met with the two of us and he was great and administered all the drugs and the nurse inserted the sedative in theatre.

My partner has been fantastic. I don't have any quilt because 1- I said good bye in my own way and 2- I know I've made the right choice for me and my girls and a small part of that for my partner.

The only issue I'm finding is past emotions have been stirred up from years ago from my after I lost my still born and not receiving the emotional support. The stupid part is that I am recieving the support from my partner but it is another thing that I will go to a fantastic lady who works in N\PL councilling and together we will work on my sub-consious. She has helped me in so many ways I don't know why I waited so many years to see her.

Thanks for all the support and advise.

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