Discussion Board: Primary Schoolers

Hi, I have 2 step-children (none of my own) and I'm finding it pretty hard sometimes. The kids are 10 & 5 and I've just agreed to drop down in hours at work so I can pick the kids up 4 days a week from school and do extracurricular activities and have friends over to play etc. I'm hoping it will benefit the family as a whole (and not be too challenging for me!). I do get to have 4 afternoons for myself though on the weeks we don't have the kids so that can only be good :) Anyone else finding stepparenting hard or have any tips?

Hi! My husband has a few tips from when we first got together. I had 2 boys already. Then aged 6 mths and 5 and a half years old. (now 4 and a half and 9 and a half)

You have to be their friend before you can be their parent.

If they cant trust you or have faith in you then they wont listen to you.

You need to have clear boundaries, for both you and the kids. So everyone knows what to expect of each other.

Dont try too hard, kids can tell when you are, believe me the little so and so's can smell fear from a million miles away!!!

Have fun with them.

My advice is to not be an ogre. Be firm, but fair. If you get along with the kids it will make it alot easier. Even talk to them and let them know you are nervous, talk to them about it.

Being a parent is not really that hard. As long as you love them and want the best for them, then you will be fine

:-)

Hi Rocketpower, thanks for your advice. I think I have become a little bit of an ogre as their Dad is a big softie (was trying overly hard during the breakup) and I feel I need to pull him up to a 'fair' level. This is pretty tricky and at times my anxiety is through the ceiling.

My 10 yr old stepson has recently starting stealing 'things I like and want to play with' from family members and the pandering/softly approach we tried last year when he did the same obviously didn't work. He is a generally a great kid, has amazing loving qualities but is known in the family as a chameleon - nice one minute, bad the next.

I am getting there with support from my husband (although he finds is hard to understand where I'm coming from as I don't have the unconditional parent love he does). Sometimes I just want to run away and take space for myself (go for a coffee or something) but is that just letting them see they are getting to me??

I don't think its a bad thing to want to run away and have a coffee etc.. I like to do this myself when I get a chance and I'm not a step parent just a mum. But sometimes getting away for a little helps you to refocus on whats important. My husband is a step-dad to my 14 year old and the biggest thing he has learnt is to not sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles. We don't have too many dramas over things like clothes she's wearing (she's an emo/goth at the moment) or what music she's listening to. And we listen to what she has to say even if its just trivial crap, which it usually is, so we can keep the lines of communication open. Good luck

I agree, its good to have space for you. Let them know if they get to you that much.

But definately keep the lines of communication open. Its hard sometimes to be a parent, believe me sometimes the "unconditional love" thing doesnt count for much! You still want to sell them or pay someone to take them for a while!!! But if you can talk to them, and as Goblin said, pick your battles.

Its great that your husband is supporting you. He needs to toughen up. Being a softie might be nice for him, but it only creates monsters.

The boy thats taking things may just be going through a stage, my oldest boy is starting to take his younger brothers things becasue he just wanted them.

The communication thing is a biggy.. my 9.5yo sat on my knee and had cuddles with me today, hes so big and taller than me when hes on my knee, (he's only about 30cm shorter than me when we are both standing!!!) but he told me he still loves to have a cuddle and talk. Its nice to know that he still needs me for something!

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