Discussion Board: Primary Schoolers

My x-husband and I have different parenting skills. I am of the school of thought that the child (nearly 5years) should have their own room and learn to sleep alone. This behaviour is managed successfully in my home. My daughters father chooses for her to sleep with him in his bed being 4 nights every fortnight. Whilst I accept we have different styles and hence different routines in each home. I tend to think my daughters father accomodates her requests rather than ensuring her co-operation. I think he may lack the skills to assist her to sleep independantly rather than not see the need to pursue the matter further. QUESTION: A) At what age would you consider this behaviour inappropriate? B) I would like to know more from others how this can effect the child, how they suggest we are best to cope or manage situations like this?

As long as you trust your ex I believe that this will not hurt her. Our daughter would like to sleep in with either of us if the other weren't there. Doesn't mean we let her... Not often anyway. Does she have her own room when with her dad? Children often grow out of this need in their own time. Perhaps your ex sees this as a way of being close to her and showing he cares. Don't know how well you get on with him as this could affect how you approach him. I would certainly be sitting down with him when your daughter is not around and talking this through calmly. Find out his reasoning as you know she is able to settle on her own. She may just be playing him!! Don't know if this helps but good luck.

I am a step mother and we had the same problem when my partner and I first got together with the then aged 4 yr old boy. He would often sleep with his mum and he often came in trying to get into bed with us. It didnt take long for us to reverse the behaviour when he was with us and he is now happy sleeping in his own room, however he often lets slip he still sleeps with Mum sometimes and he is now 6 yrs old. A couple of things about this; We were once given a piece of advice, you can't control what happens at your ex's place no matter how much you disagree with what is happening, and the sooner you get your head around this the more relaxed you feel. Alot of ex's take umberage to being told how to parent or what to do in their own home and will often lie to appease you if you do bring it up. Kids are very adaptable, I have seen many times the boys behaviours change in a blink of an eye when transfering between the 2 homes. It is your ex who is going to end up having the biggest problem in this situation especially if he begins a new relationship. He will deal with it how he does and you may have to help your child understand the differences from time to time with very diplomatic and none judgemental comments. We have become very good at saying "well that is for Mum to sort out" and "If that works for your Mum but we do things differently in our home". Maybe talk with your child about how they feel about sleeping with Dad, she maybe starting to feel uncomfortable with it but lacks the skills to deal with it herself. Offer to talk to her Dad with her, with her leading the conversation or just supply her with the language she needs to be able to talk to him herself. Resist the urge to make judgemental or comments that make it obvious you dont agree with this to your child. Good luck!!

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