Discussion Board: Toddlers and Pre-schoolers

My almost 4 year old daughter seems to be having a tough time and it breaks my heart. She is an incredibly smart little cookie with amazing language and an enquiring mind and language comprehension etc beyond her peers.

Since she was born, I have been aware of the research that suggests that you should praise effort not achievement, so I have always made an effort to say "Wow, I really like the way you're working out where that puzzle piece goes, that's not easy" instead of "Clever Girl, you did it" when she completes it etc. But I do also tell her that she's gorgeous and loved and clever and funny and kind.

Anyway, somehow we seem to have inadvertently made her feel under pressure to be perfect or something as she takes any reprimand (particularly from people other than her parents) very hard.

She is a very gregarious, chatty little girl and quite happily introduces herself to strangers and starts up a conversation - not shy or reticent -but a few instances have made me worry.

For example, at the playground, a man said "You be careful, Watch you don't get hit by that swing" not unkindly and she was immediately in floods of tears and running to me. At kindy, she crashed into her favourite (lovely) teacher as she ran in for a very enthusiastic cuddle. The teacher said, in a serious but affectionate way that "she must be careful, as doing that could mean they both get hurt" etc. Her face crumpled and she held it together but was very tearful for the rest of the day and that evening, attributing it to other things but it all stemmed from that event.

I have talked to her to explain people's motives for these things and that it is ok and most of the time they are just concerned she might hurt herself (with the swing etc) but I would really like some ideas about how to make her understand that she doesn't have to be perfect all the time and that people can gently rebuke/reprimand you and it is ok and doesn't mean you've failed.

With thanks!

Hi, most kids go through something like this, its just the age and stage of life that differs. Some kids just take themselves too seriously and need to know how to laugh at themselves. Also, sometimes talking to kids and explaining everyhting to them just isnt necessary. By talking and talking to them you are placing extra emphasis on her need to be perfect. The more its talked about, the more she will feel like shes failing. So try things like with the swing incident, dont try to explain why the man told her to be careful, try somethjing like "wow, that was nice of him to look out for you, what a nice man!" or "you already knew that, he must have been reminding you, how nice.." you know the kind of thing. For example. I used to work in a big supermarket, we were forever having lost kids turning up in our department screaming and crying. Noone wanted to deal with them, so I always got stuck with it. My tack was to go and say hello, tell them I worked there and ask where theri Mummy was. Then do the "Oh no, did Mummy wander off and get lost again? Shal we go find her before she gets upset?" Then we would set off around the store and find the missing parent, whom the child would tell off because the Mummy or Daddy got lost. It worked everytime.
Turning the problem around quite oftern can take alot of the stress out of the situation. Takeing the main focus off the issue can lighten the load for the child. If a child stresses too much when thery are young, it can lead to all kinds of weirdness as they get older.. but then kids are just weird anyway!!

My 4y.o boy is a little the same at the moment. He's a real perfectionist, but we are slowly but surely turning things around and hes learning to have fun and not take life (and his older brother) so seriously

Good luck.. let us know how things go..

What a lovely, thoughtful and very helpful message. I think that is great advice and there is much for me to take on board from what you have said. I am really grateful to you for taking the time to help us out!

I can remember with my own boys the battles I have had with them over certian things.

With kids (and sometimes husbands) reverse psycology quite oftern works!!!

:-)

Hi trkl, I read your initial post and you sound like a very thoughtful and caring parent, and to be honest, I dont think that it is anything that you've done - inadvertantly or not. Most children I know go through this at some stage. My son's showing signs of it from time to time recently and he's now 3 and a half. I honestly think that its probably part of their growing and becoming that "big person". They're trying really hard to become this autonomous little being, and in doing so have these high expectations of themselves....and falling short of these self imposed expectations really affects them. I've been putting my son's down to a "phase" as I know that neither my husband nor I (or anyone who's regularly around him) places such expectations upon him. Good luck anyway :)

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