A little squabbling between siblings --- brothers and/or sisters --- is, in all but the most extraordinary families, inevitable. We all have "war stories" from growing up.
And it is not necessarily a bad thing. Children who learn to deal with disagreement and jealousy within a loving family may be better able to resolve – or head off - conflict in the wider world.
While their rowdy rivalry may be driving you bonkers, they can teach your child co-operation, self-control, empathy and how to stand up for themselves.
Constant battles, however, are exhausting.
What Causes It?
There are quite a variety of causes of sibling rivalry, but to some extent these vary with the ages of the children. Some common causes are listed below:
- New baby: to an older sibling, the arrival of a new baby can mean sudden competition for parental affection and attention.
- Age: assertive two-year-olds and bossy five-year-olds may be a bad mix. Or hormonal teens and nosy younger siblings. They do grow out of it.
- Stress: disruptions at home (e.g. moving house) can turn a child’s world upside down and lead to increased fighting
- Hunger. Or boredom. Or lack of sleep: the usual triggers behind grouchy children won’t do sibling relationships any favours.
- Parents: children are notoriously alert to any signs of parental unfairness. They may perceive you lavish more time or attention or material goods on their sibling. You may unwittingly be more lenient or speak differently to one of your children. The way you treat your children affects the way they treat each other.
What can you do about it?
Here are some ideas --- and possible solutions --- to keep sibling rivalry to a minimum:
- Talk to your child about the baby’s impending arrival and play up their own, special role as big brother or sister. Set aside time with the older sibling after the baby arrives.
- Watch your own behaviour - do not play favourites or compare your children negatively, e.g. “Why can’t you be cheerful in the mornings, like Sally?”. Instead, celebrate their differences, e.g. “I love the way you’re always so happy at bedtime”. Be fair. And fair treatment doesn’t have to mean identical treatment – for example, older children may deserve a later bedtime.
- Don’t intervene too early. Keep an eye on the warring parties - for safety and fairness - but allow them to sort out minor disagreements themselves. Give them the tools to do so, e.g. “If you talk to Sally quietly, she’s more likely to listen to you”.
- Do not allow physical assault or persistent harassment – this can have long-lasting effects on the sibling’s relationship.
- Divert. This is especially useful with younger children. If they are constantly hounding each other on a rainy, stuck-inside day, give them gumboots and raincoats and send them outside. Or pull out the puzzles. Chances are, they’ll want to be involved in each other’s games.
- Offer unattractive alternatives! If they are fighting over an item, explain they can resolve the conflict themselves (i.e. take turns) or you will confiscate the item. Try sending the warring factions to separate, dull corners of the house – chances are they would rather play together than sit by themselves.
- Give each child space. They are more likely to want to spend time with each other if they don’t HAVE to all the time.
Article
Sibling Rivalry written by Kiwi Families team