From the first day our child is born, we parents can feel consumed by our role to care for our child, and feeding is a big part of that responsibility.  When we feel confident that our child is well fed, we can relax.  When we’re not so confident that they’re getting all the nutrients they need, it can be very stressful!

Just one more spoonful and then you can...

When a parent worries about what, when and how much a child is eating, their fears can lead them to try all sorts of persuasion tactics, from pleading with them to try just one tiny weeny little taste to threats that if they don’t finish what’s on their plate, there’ll be no dessert.  Parents can dramatise their praise of a sibling who’s happily polishing off their plate.  Some parents try incentives like a reward for trying a food they’re adverse to.  But trying to change a child’s mind about their food is unlikely to be successful and can create unnecessary power struggles.  The child will likely feel pressured and coerced and all those feelings can negatively impact their relationship with food.  Eating is such an intrinsic part of life, and when conflicts exist around food, that tension can sadly affect the child’s enjoyment of joining the family to eat.

Bringing some humour to the table

Anything you can do to relieve your child’s tensions on the subject of food can help them to improve their relationship with food, as well as their appetite!  Children can feel cornered and powerless when encouraged to eat food that doesn’t appeal to them, especially when their refusal elicits their parent’s annoyance.  But bringing some humour and goofiness to the table can be hugely relieving and fun!  You could, for instance, try slouching down at the table and dramatically and childishly protest about the “yucky” food on the table, it shouldn’t take long before your child gets into it and will likely tell you to “eat up and don’t complain” with a pointing finger and big giggles!  When a parent playfully takes the less powerful role, it serves to help relieve a child of feelings of powerlessness and frustration relating to being told what to do and not do so much of the time.

One mother’s experience:  Stacey is a parent who sought my help with the power struggles she was having with her 4 year old daughter, who was a very picky eater.  Stacey tried but struggled to stay calm and patient.  She could relate to how awful her daughter must feel when her mum was upset with her because Stacey remembers the dread she felt when her father regularly got angry at her for not finishing her food when she was a child.  Stacey blames those food battles with her father for the ongoing battles she’s had with weight and an eating disorder ever since she was a teen.  She felt she’d tried everything to get her daughter to eat.

I suggested she bring some play and humour into the situation, explaining that her daughter’s fear of mum getting annoyed with her was contributing hugely to her daughter’s resistance.  Stacey said that her daughter always wanted to take her dolls to the table but she didn’t allow it and asked if this could help.  I thought that was a great idea and suggested she used the dolls to do some silly role playing mimicking the mother daughter squabbles around food.  The next day Stacey rang me excited to report that her daughter loved mum being silly and goofy and laughed so much, continuing to ask for more.  Mum played with playfully threatening to steal her girl’s food and her daughter protested “no! It’s mine” pulling the chopped up meat and veggies back off the mum and heartily eating them!

Laughter is the best medicine

You can greatly help a child loosen the tight knots of fear and aversion that they feel by diluting those uncomfortable feelings with some lighter feelings.  Children instinctively know how to get stressful feelings out of their body and some of the ways they do it is through crying, raging (or passionate venting), trembling (if they’re release big fears) and through play and laughter.  When children have felt inhibited from expressing their true feelings, perhaps their complaints around food, or their crying or their play relating to food, they may have felt further powerless to change those difficult feelings.

Are your expectations realistic?

Sometimes food issues are created through a mismatch between the child’s choices and needs around food and the parent’s expectations.  It’s important that a child develops their autonomy over their own body, including being able to follow their natural instincts around food choices and appetite.  Although most adults eat three main meals a day, this isn’t necessarily what works best for a young child.  It’s normal for some children to form strong attachments and strong dislikes to certain foods, which they mostly grow out of.  Some children benefit from eating a little and often and are simply not interested in eating a main big meal.  It’s also normal for young children to go through phases when they want and need to eat a lot more than usual, similar to the growth spurts of the baby.

Trusting our child to trust their instincts

Studies have shown that when given the opportunity to self-select their food from a range of healthy options, choosing what and how much to eat, they tend to make choices that are overall beneficial to their health.  And that they will naturally self-regulate when they’ve eaten too much of a certain food or type of food.  (Ref: Davis)  Young children can be trusted to choose a balanced diet as long as a range of healthy food options are available to them throughout the day (Ref: Hirshmann & Zaphiropoulos, 1985 “Are you hungry?”).

Avoid using food as a bargaining power

Children can develop a distorted relationship with food if food is regularly used to reward them for good behaviour (e.g. “you’ll get a cookie when you’ve put all the toys away”), to distract them from negative behaviour (e.g. “If you kids stop squabbling now, you can have a treat”) or distract them from expressing unwelcomed feelings (e.g. don’t cry, come and have a glass of juice, that’ll cheer you up”).  Distracting children from feeling and expressing emotions can start from birth onwards if a parent isn’t attuned to the differences between a cry that expresses hunger, tiredness or other as opposed to the need for a stress releasing cry (in a caregiver’s loving arms).  When such habits are formed, children can crave unhealthy foods as a way of feeling better and when this is the case, carrot sticks just don’t hit the mark!

For the child who has developed a difficult relationship with food, for whatever reason, the sights, textures, smells and tastes of food can cause them to cringe and make them feel very grumpy.  Instead of togetherness at meal times, they can feel trapped.    To help a child improve their relationship with food, it really helps to try and imagine their feelings and show them that you can see, understand and care for them in those feelings.  If you’re a food lover, to relate to how a child may feel, you can try to imagine how it would be to feel coerced into eating that which would be quite disgusting for you, a food that makes your face wince and your whole body squirm.  Then to be told that it’s yummy and good for you!   Making a commitment to avoid words or actions that make your child feel forced, coerced, blamed and rejected relating to their food choices can be a big step in the right direction.  Remembering that you won’t change their mind until you help them change their feelings is a key element in helping a child unwind out of the knots of tension that prevent them from having an enjoyable relationship with food.

Many children are relieved of aversions when their feelings are heard and cared for

So, if your child looks at the food on his plate, and breaks down crying with disappointment and frustration, see it as an opportunity for him to release some of his backlog of pent up frustrations around food in general and if you can prioritise becoming present, listening and showing him that you can truly hear, accept and empathise with those big feelings, you’re helping him release some layers of deep seated tension.  The healing that a child experiences when they feel truly heard and understood brings benefit that can’t be gained from them crying without receiving that support.  Reducing conflicts between parents or other family members at the table can also make mealtimes more inviting.

Allergies and food sensitivities

Other angles to explore can be allergies and intolerances to some of the food in your child’s diet, or perhaps it’s the combination of food that could be causing trouble with digestion and hence affecting how your child feels about the food.  It’s important to fully explore diet, perhaps talk to your GP about allergy testing or a dietician to help you review your family’s diet in general.

Why eat veggies when you can eat chocolate

Another thing to consider: the more a child is given the option to eat highly processed food with refined sugar and salt, the more likely they are to reject healthy food.  Refined salt has an eroding effect on the taste buds on our tongue.  The more a child eats unhealthy foods, the more they crave them.  The same even happens for adults, the more unhealthy food they eat, the less interest they have fresh foods.  Instead of processed snacks, put out plates of chopped up fruit, carrot sticks, hummus, nut butters, smoothies and child friendly salads.  To make salads more appealing to children, a spoonful of mayonnaise (the healthiest option you can find) mixed through it can make a big difference.  Some children love lots of sweet grated carrot and/or beetroot with raisins in their salad, chopped nuts or toasted seeds.  Sautéed onions and mushrooms cooked in coconut oil can bring a naturally sweet flavour to salads and veggies.

Addressing your own issues with food

Anything you can do to relieve your own tensions on the subject of your child’s eating is likely to have a positive knock on effect on your child and their feelings around coming to the table or bench to eat.  And at the very least, gaining emotional support and releasing some of your own tensions through talking, and even crying, can recharge your batteries and give you renewed energy and perspective to once again deal with your child’s food aversions.  It may or may not be a coincidence that with about 95% of the parents who have sought my help with their child’s eating habits; it has come to light that they themselves have had quite big emotional issues around food, diet and body image.  Many have had an eating disorder at some point.  These parents have realized that further addressing those issues is an essential part of feeling less scared, hence less reactive, with their child.

Christmas is special as families get to spend quality time together. It is an occasion of celebration, reflection and lots and lots of laughter. Family members and friends fly in from around the world and travel from one end of the country to another to embrace their loved ones.

Putting all the fun and laughter aside, the festive season can sometimes get on top of us as parents. Routines go out the window. The kids eat too much sugar, won’t sleep and refuse to brush their teeth. On top of that, there’s the stress associated with planning, car journeys and sleeping in different beds. Oh, and no family celebration is complete without a bit of toy hurling and tantrums (and that’s just the parents!).

How Do We Create Calm Amongst the Chaos?

• Firstly we need to accept that there will be some chaos. Embrace this but install an oasis of calm in the middle of it.

• Change of environment and people can be very unsettling for children. When in other people’s homes or when you have people over, try to stick to your child’s routine as much as you can. Focus on the naps, meals and bedtime routine, so that they remain rested and keep their energy levels up. Try to go with the flow around this and let other people help you out and get involved.

• Bedtime can be a challenge when you are staying with others. Make it part of an adventure for older kids. Talk to them about it and explain what is going to happen. We all benefit from a bedtime routine so keep it going especially for babies and toddlers. The process of one action happening after another helps settle littlies for the night.

• Enjoy sugary treats and don’t feel guilty about it. Just think ahead of time how you are going to manage it. Go for a daily family walk to help burn off the extra calories and stop the kids from bouncing off the walls. This will also clear your head and give you breathing space. Stick to healthy meals when you can. Family BBQs are a great option.

If it all gets too much, go sit on the naughty step and count to 10! Remember that you are celebrating special family time and go give everyone a great big hug and wish them a very merry Christmas.

Much of what is judged to be defiance, misbehaviour, resistance, laziness, spite or selfishness stems from your child having unmet emotional needs and consequently not feeling good in themselves.  At such times reasoning, demanding, appealing, threatening or bribing can add to their underlying frustrations and do nothing to address their unmet emotional needs.

Maintaining our child’s emotional health and wellbeing is essential to fostering a culture of harmony and cooperation in the family.  It can be a challenge to make time to give our kids quality time and attention, yet when we remember to prioritize moments and activities that foster connection our child really thrives.  Children tend to feel loved when we give them positive attention through listening attentively, letting them engage us with their activities and questions, supporting and validating their whole range of feelings, playing together, reflecting that we value their contributions, and generally being warm, caring and affectionate.

Children yearn to feel free of the stress of unexpressed emotions. When difficult feelings are listened to, accepted and understood, they become much less difficult, it allows the child to feel normal and ok about themselves again.  The more genuine loving empathy we give our child, the quicker they can bounce back to feeling calm, settled and more secure.  Our children can generally only cope with their feelings to the extent that their parent can cope with them.

“Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.  Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice and to explain our own position of feeling.  Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.” – Marshall Rosenberg

Many parents worry that giving their grumpy upset child lots of empathy may encourage them to become overly needy.  Sometimes it can seem like this is true because your empathy initially results in an increase in the volume and intensity of your child’s expressions of anger, grief, disappointment or other frustrations.  In fact, so many studies have shown that when parents are empathically responsive to their children, those same children are more likely to develop greater empathy for others and generally have higher emotional intelligence.  When children don’t feel judged for being angry, they’re more likely to cry and seek out a comforting hug rather than hit the baby.  Children develop strong emotional resilience if they are consistently cared for when upset.

Yet empathy doesn’t come naturally to all parents.  Many of us didn’t receive much of it as children and really have a lot to learn about empathic communication.  Empathy is about being able to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, which is a challenge for many of us when we can’t really remember very clearly what it felt like to be one, two, three, seven or twelve.  To express empathy to our children, we have to try and imagine what they might be feeling, and show them that we’re trying to imagine just how frustrated they might be feeling.  By offering our guess, they see that we’re seeking to understand them rather than control, moralize or blame them; “you seem very sad that you can’t play with your friend today.”

Some parents hold back because they worry that they’re being too presumptuous by making a guess at their child’s feelings. What if you get it wrong? What if you add to your child’s confusion?  When you’re sincere, your enquiry into their feelings gives them support and permission to self-enquire on a feeling level.  Sensing your openness, your child will disagree if they need to.  In response to “you seem really angry”, when expressed openly with the tone of a wondering as opposed to stated factually “you’re angry!” (Which would be presumptuous), your child might reply “No! I’m not angry! I’m just disappointed!” This process helps children develop their feelings vocabulary and children with a greater feeling vocabulary and less likely to become overwhelmed and more likely to find a way of expressing their feelings and needs.

Showing that you’re guessing what your child is feeling tends to speak to their heart, it shows them that you’re actually taking the time to try and understand and relate to their feelings. This creates emotional safety for your child, allowing them to let down their defences, which otherwise tend to show up as a difficulty to listen and generally trust our guidance.

This empathetic approach of having a guess generally opens a child up more than directly asking “tell me what you’re feeling” or “are you angry?”, which tends to appeal more to their mind and calls on their reasoning, which can cause them a lot of frustration when emotions are strong.  It’s also confusing for children when their parent invites them to share their feelings but hasn’t yet offered any verbal or non-verbal reassurance that their feelings will be treated with respect and sensitivity. Upset children need for us to speak to and show care of their emotions before expecting them to be reasonable. Ironically they return to reason much faster without the pressure to do so.

What about tantrums – When a child has a tantrum, they are offloading huge feelings that their brain is not yet mature enough to cope with without adult help.  The child’s fight/flight response is usually activated.  To calm down what they most need is for the adult caring for them to help them feel emotionally safe and cared for.  An adult’s anger or impatience (although understandable) can be enough for them to feel threatened and become even more distressed.  Reasoning or ignoring will likely also intensify the child’s stress but a calming presence and simple words like “I know, I’m listening, I’m staying close to look after you” can help the child feel emotionally held and safe and allow them to make their way back to balance, having released through their cries, their backlog of built up stress.

“If you’re concerned about your children’s future in a tough world, the best preparation you can give them is psychological health, which can only occur when they are treated with love, trust and respect. Children who feel self-confident, proud and powerful stand a far better chance of thriving, and even of changing our oppressive society.”  -  Dr. Aletha Solter PhD, author of four parenting books.  

Meeting our children’s emotional needs is one of the biggest challenges of parenting.  To stay calm and connected when our children experience strong emotions takes a lot of energy.  It’s important that parents don’t neglect their own emotional needs.  Not only is it not selfish to find ways to reduce your stress, to access more support, more comfort, more kindness and empathy for your struggles, these are responsible mature proactive choices that bring more balance and support to your whole family system.

In this article, I’ll share some thoughts that might help to make the transition a little bit smoother.

The more prepared and warmed up your child is, and indeed you are, the easier the transition is likely to be. For children to feel less daunted and more empowered with their coming change, it helps if they feel they have some choices. Involving your child in buying their new school bag, letting them choose their pencil case, writing their name on their books can all help increase their excitement and sense of involvement. Starting school or a new class can be a huge change for a child, so the more we can infuse happy, loving, fun-filled feelings into the whole experience, the more likely it is that our enthusiasm will become infectious.

Fostering a positive relationship with the teacher. As your child’s attachment figure, you can do a lot to help your child form a strong connection (strong attachment) with their new teacher. We understand now, more than ever before, that the child’s emotional wellbeing and strong sense of trust, acceptance and belonging in their class and school forms the foundation for a positive learning experience and a healthy relationship to their learning. Do you know the new teacher? Can you find out a little bit about them- for instance, perhaps the new teacher is very sporty and you can talk about games they might play in school, or has long hair like mum or rides a bike like they like to, or is a parent themselves… Or while reading to your child: “I’ll bet your teacher has some great books that she’ll be reading out loud to you children in the class, do you think that’ll be exciting to listen to a story with a whole big bunch of friends?”

Talking about the new teacher and the school in general with a tone of warmth and fondness goes a long way to increase your child’s feelings of security and inclusion. Our children instinctively scan our response to others. Your positive expectations can help your child feel more secure about their new relationship with their teacher and school in general. Can you visit the school and walk around now before they start? Do you know other children in your child’s class? Can you arrange play dates to strengthen the bond with one or two other children in their class? Be proactive in introducing yourself and your child to the teacher at the start of term and perhaps staying a bit longer in the mornings until your child gets engaged in the class activities.

Other little things that can make a big difference: Being there as soon as school ends can help your child’s sense of security. Get into the new bedtime and getting up rhythm before school starts and make sure that you get up early enough to allow the mornings to be more enjoyable than stressful. It’s generally hard for children of any age to separate from their parent in the morning if there’s been tensions and hard feelings between them before school. Some parents become more distant to discourage their child’s clinginess, but this generally has the opposite effect! When saying goodbye, give your child a very heartfelt loving good bye to fill up their love tank to get them through till they see you again later. The warmth you give your child in the mornings can fill them, surround them and help them stay strong when away from you.

Listening to their feelings gives them strength. If your child has fears or reservations about starting in the new school or new class, create some quiet time to really listen and let them air their concerns. Perhaps they can’t verbalise their feelings, but you see their fears reflected in their out of balance behaviour. Relating to and speaking to the imagined feelings that drive their behaviour will help them feel more secure again and bring their behaviour back to balance at the same time. Seeing that you’re taking their feelings seriously and working hard to help them feel supported and cared for will likely give your child strength and reassurance.

Don’t be afraid of your child’s fears. Fears and frustrations generally only lead to bigger problems when a child feels alone with them or feels judged for having these feelings. If your child tells you they’re afraid of the big kids in the playground or that they’re going to miss you too much and don’t want to be away from you, avoid dismissing their concerns or telling them that they should focus on the positive aspects of school, as this can feel overwhelming and cause little worries to turn into huge fears. Instead, show your child that you’re really listening and taking their concerns seriously, yet remaining confident about the whole experience yourself. Children receive our reassurances with more confidence when they are confident that we’re really caring about their concerns.

As parents, we all love that moment of witnessing our child in the centre of the circle, as everyone gathers around, intently watching our child as they make their wish, blow out the candles and then beam with happiness as those they know and love clap and cheer. What a magic moment!

An opportunity to strengthen your child’s self-esteem. Children can really thrive when it’s their turn to be the special birthday person; their turn to be celebrated. The concentrated loving attention can boost their feelings of being significance, loved, seen, cared for and cherished. Some families take the opportunity to express to the birthday person what it is that each person likes and loves about them, either in a card, around the table at meal time or as part of the day’s festivities.

Each birthday is another page in the book of your child’s life. Your child’s positive self-image builds through special memories that everyone shares and enjoys together. For instance, a cherished childhood memory for me relates to a particular birthday cake that my mother always made for me. One year my mother made me a surprise ice-cream cake, which I thought was the most amazing thing ever! After that it became a tradition. As one of nine siblings, having a cake that was different from all others made me feel special and gave deeper meaning to my birthdays. You can make sure the important experiences surrounding birthdays live on through the re-telling of cute and funny stories and occasionally taking out the old photos or videos.

There’s a fine line between excitement and meltdown for kids! Birthdays can be a time of so much fun, excitement and so many emotions! “Fish swim, birds fly, people feel” (Haim Ginott). Because children are both very emotional and very sensitive little people, there’s a fine line between excitement and meltdown. There’s only so much adrenalin any one person can cope with in any one day, then add to the mix sugary food and the sheer exhaustion of all that is going on.

Expect the lows to accompany the highs! As much as we want the day to be a big success, as parents we need to expect the highs and the lows. When things go wrong and the nearly inevitable meltdown happens, remember that what your child most needs may be your empathy and understanding. Reasoning often prolongs disappointments, but reflective listening “oh dear, you are so upset” can soothe frazzled children. Empathy is love in action, when children see that we understand their feelings, those same feelings tend to dissolve and the big happy smiles tend to burst through again.

Don’t forget about the child whose birthday it is not! It’s important to stay connected to the other sibling/s. Don’t let them get lost on the side-lines of all the busyness. Otherwise, at the most in-opportune moment, perhaps just as the candles are being lit, you may realise that your child, whose birthday it is not, is under their covers feeling very upset. Make sure they’re involved, perhaps they can do some wrapping for pass the parcel, perhaps make a birthday card. Remember to share the excitement with them as well: “Are you excited about aunty, uncle and your cousins all coming for the birthday party?”

Birthdays can be potentially emotionally stirring for lots of reasons that aren’t always recognised, or at least not spoken out loud. When there’s been a recent death or estrangement in the family or circle of friends, birthdays are among the challenges and milestones that can touch on fresh wounds of loss. The family can benefit from this being mentioned, perhaps within the privacy of the family: “Let’s take a minute to think about grandma …” Perhaps invite participation from your child: “What would you like to say to grandma today?” Your little one is likely to come out with a line that brings everyone to tears of laughter with their cuteness and poignancy: “Grandma I wish you were here today, I especially miss your …. home-made cookies! Your cookies are so much better than mum’s!” When parents have separated, this can bring up emotions on the day.

Birthdays are the anniversary of the birth. Birthdays are also the anniversary of the labour and the birth. It can be good to bring an acknowledgement of the mother giving birth in to the day at some point. Particularly, if it’s the first birthday, speaking a few words can be very healing.

A time for connection, a time for healing, a time for sharing. Despite the stress, the organising, the planning, the hosting and all the busyness, birthdays can bring very special and precious moments that add to your family’s storehouse of valued memories. Celebrating birthdays can deepen meaning in our lives and create an opportunity to share our special moments with the closest people in our lives.