Just a mum?


At some time after the hazing ritual of childbirth, our “fight & flight” adrenalised womanly minds (muddy and bloody as they are), begin to fathom the irreversible depth of how transformational motherhood actually is … yes, the buck stops right at our front-door now, 24-7. There is nothing part-time about it, ever.

We might work part-time at a job, but during those now-somehow-less-engaging paid hours, we never abdicate our ultimate maternal responsibilities … it is our mobile phone that concernedly informs us little Johnny has a temperature of 39.6º! And this hour of time is not diarised in the father’s schedule for parenting … Was it written in ours? … When was it not.

Oh, this isn’t a whinge or a whine … Motherhood is SPLENDID on the days it is splendid. Motherhood is GLORIOUS on the days it is glorious … Then on other days, well it just isn’t.

I have a section in my book OH BABY…Birth, Babies & Motherhood Uncensored that talks about cures for the Life Sucks Syndrome of motherhood. And you know what girlfriend, all those undeniable sacrifices we all make are just fine! Because one of the truly splendid and glorious lessons in motherhood, is learning that Life never intended for us to be happy all the time.

Often B.C. [Before Childbirth] we searched continuously for those unending milliseconds of utopian happiness. But A.D. [After Delivery] we can begin to understand the gravity of our commitment … Cripes! I write this to tell you, no actually, I want to scream it at you, that if you have discovered motherhood to be the hardest thing you have ever needed to deal with in your life, then you are actually right on track.

It’s OK to feel peeved sometimes. You’re perfectly normal … bearing in mind that the only thing truly ‘Normal’ is a cycle on our washing machines. However, if your mothering experiences to date have been for the most part delightful, then that is fabulous. Congratulations! But mind you don’t become conceited in your maternal perfection, as a day will arrive when being a mother is the hardest thing you have ever faced.

Life does that reality check to all of us: ”We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience” [Dr Wayne Dyer].

We are not just Mums. We are Life at its potent and undiluted raw Self. We grow Life. We birth Life. We nourish Life. We are Mother Nature’s ultimate perfection.

So take pride in every guacamole pooey nappy you change, and every power-chuck you wipe off your blouse. For you do the most important job on this planet!

And when you feel grumpy, don’t feel guilty too. Our sophisticated postmodern society uses brilliant subterfuge to espouse its perfect parenting ideologies, while it smears imperfect parenting guilt all over our faces.

Don’t lick the smeared guilt off your lips with your tongue, getting its interminable taste stuck in your mouth, like some insanely bitter Willy Wonka ever-lasting gobstopper that gives you no nourishment at all, and takes away your ability to be clearly understood.

But, you could be a better mother! Oh, probably – there are plenty of “experts” who will tell you what you’re doing wrong. However, not me. If you’re taking the time to read this article, you are quite obviously a great mother. You are mothering perfection right now, even with all your imperfections, for you love your children unconditionally and omnipotently.

That is all we really have to do, is be… just a Mum, who loves her children.


Kathy Fray

Kathy is a wife; mother of three; north Auckland self-employed midwife; weekly Parenting columnist; founding director of BabyOK™ Products (producers of the renowned Babe-Sleeper); and author of NZ’s No.1 guide for new mums “OH BABY…Birth, Babies & Motherhood Uncensored” and the sequel “OH GROW UP…Toddlers to PreTeens Decoded”. You can find out more about Kathy on her website.

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Categorised: Grown Ups

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