You pick up your teen’s phone to charge it, a message pings, and your stomach drops. A nude. Or a request for one. Or a photo thread that makes it clear this has happened before.
Your brain will want to sprint in three directions at once – confiscate everything, shout, and call the police. Take a breath. The goal in the next hour is not “perfect parenting”. It’s to reduce risk, keep your teen safe, and keep them talking to you.
First: stay calm enough to stay useful
If your teen thinks you’re about to explode, they’ll go straight into self-protection: deleting evidence, lying, or handing their trust to whoever already has leverage over them.
Try this internal script: This is serious, and I can handle it. My job is safety, not punishment. You can be firm later. Right now you need access to the facts.
If you’re furious or panicking, park the big emotions for 10 minutes. Make a cup of tea. Text your co-parent or a friend: “I’ve found something serious. I’m dealing with it. Can you be on standby?” It helps not to do this alone.
What to do in the first 30 minutes (before you talk)
The order matters. You’re trying to prevent further harm and preserve options.
Don’t forward, screenshot and share
It’s tempting to send it to yourself “for proof” or show another adult to ask advice. Resist. Moving sexual images of someone under 18 can create legal risk for you too, even if your intentions are protective.
Pause the spread without destroying evidence
If images are actively being shared, you may need to stop the bleeding quickly. That can mean putting the phone in aeroplane mode or turning off Wi‑Fi so nothing else is sent while you figure out what’s going on.
Avoid mass-deleting threads in a panic. If there is coercion or sextortion, records of messages can matter.
Check for immediate danger
Ask yourself: is there any sign of blackmail, threats, or an adult involved? If your teen is being pressured right now, the priority shifts to urgent safeguarding.
How to talk to your teen (without blowing the relationship)
You’re aiming for two outcomes: (1) they tell you the truth, and (2) they accept help.
Pick a private moment. Sit down. Keep your voice steady and your face neutral, even if you’re shaking.
Start with something like:
“I’ve come across something on your phone that worries me. I’m not here to shame you. I need to understand what’s happening so I can keep you safe.”
Then ask open questions, one at a time:
“What’s the story with this photo?”
“Was it your choice, or did you feel pushed?”
“Who has it? Just one person, or more?”
“Are you being threatened, or asked for more?”
If they clam up, lower the stakes:
“You’re not in trouble for telling me. Trouble is secrets that can be used against you.”
Avoid labels like “disgusting”, “slutty”, “pervert”, “idiot”. Even if you never use those words, your teen may already be calling themselves that in their head. Your calm is the difference between a fixable mistake and a spiral.
Understand the two common scenarios
Not every situation is the same, and your next steps depend on which track you’re on.
Scenario 1: consensual sexting with a peer
Many teens swap images as part of flirting or relationships. It’s still risky, but the tone needs nuance. Shame usually makes it worse. Your job is to set boundaries and reduce harm.
You can say:
“I get that you’re curious and you want connection. But images can be saved, shared, and used later, even by someone you trust now. We need to make sure you’re protected.”
Scenario 2: pressure, coercion, or sextortion
This is when someone demands nudes, threatens to leak them, or uses them to control your teen. Sometimes it’s another teen. Sometimes it’s an adult pretending to be one. Sometimes it’s a scammer who has never even met them.
If you hear anything like “They’ll send it to my school”, “They’ve got my Instagram followers”, “They said they’ll ruin my life”, treat it as a safeguarding issue, not a behaviour issue.
Practical steps to protect your teen right now
Once you’ve got a basic picture, move quickly.
Stop further sending
Agree on a clear line: no more images, no more negotiation. If it’s a coercive situation, continuing contact often feeds the threat.
A teen-friendly way to phrase it:
“Whatever they’re saying, we’re not paying, we’re not sending more, and we’re not handling this alone.”
Preserve messages without circulating images
Keep the chat history if possible. You’re looking for usernames, phone numbers, platforms, and threats. If you need to take a note, write down details rather than copying images.
Lock down accounts
Change passwords, turn on two-factor authentication, and check for linked email addresses or unknown devices. If your teen’s accounts have been compromised, you’re playing defence on multiple fronts.
Report on the platform
Most social apps have in-app reporting for intimate image abuse, harassment, and blackmail. Reporting can lead to account bans and removal processes. It’s not perfect, but it’s a step.
Consider the legal and safeguarding angle (without panic)
This is the part parents dread: under-18 sexual images can be illegal to create, possess, or share, even between teens. Enforcement varies, and professionals usually focus on safeguarding rather than criminalising young people, but you should treat it seriously.
If there’s an adult involved, or a credible threat to share widely, or your teen is being blackmailed, get professional advice urgently through the police non-emergency route or local safeguarding services. If your teen is in immediate danger, use emergency services.
It can help to tell your teen:
“I’m not calling for you to get arrested. I’m calling because someone may be committing a crime against you, and we need help to stop it.”
What to say if the images have already been shared
This is where many parents freeze. Your teen may feel like their life is over. Your steadiness matters more than your words.
Try:
“I’m so sorry this is happening. You don’t deserve it. We’re going to deal with it step by step.”
Then move into action:
“We’ll work out who has it, report it, and tell the school if we need to, so adults can shut it down.”
If you suspect it’s circulating at school, contact the designated safeguarding lead or head of year. Schools vary, but most have procedures for harmful sexual behaviour and image-sharing. The aim is containment and protection, not public humiliation.
Boundaries that actually work (and don’t just create a second phone)
You may want to ban phones forever. Realistically, heavy-handed bans often push teens into hiding, especially if they already feel ashamed.
Aim for boundaries that reduce risk and increase supervision without turning your home into a police state. For example: phones out of bedrooms overnight, shared charging spot, and a clear rule that you can ask to see social apps if there’s a safety concern.
It also helps to be explicit about consent and pressure. Many teens send nudes because they think it’s the price of staying in a relationship.
You can say:
“If someone needs a nude to keep liking you, they’re not safe to date. That’s not romance, that’s leverage.”
Teach the ‘future you’ test
Teens are present-focused. Instead of lecturing about “the internet is forever”, make it practical:
“Imagine future you – next month, next year – if this ended up on someone else’s phone group. Would you still feel okay about it?”
Then offer safer alternatives: flirting without images, sending a selfie fully clothed, or using words rather than photos. Harm reduction is not endorsement. It’s realism.
When to bring in extra support
Some teens bounce back quickly. Others don’t. If your teen is withdrawing, not sleeping, refusing school, self-harming, or showing signs of panic, you need more support than a single conversation.
Start with your GP, a school counsellor, or a youth mental health service. If your teen is being harassed by peers, loop the school in early. Silence is what bullies and scammers rely on.
If you’re a regular reader of Kiwi Families, you’ll know we’re big on “what to say” scripts because they reduce parental panic in high-stakes moments – and you can find more stage-based teen safety support at https://www.kiwifamilies.co.nz.
A note about your role as the adult
Your teen may tell you they “messed up”. They may also be angry that you looked at their phone. Both things can be true: they deserve privacy, and you have a duty of care when safety is on the line.
Own your part without grovelling:
“I should have spoken to you first before I looked. I’m sorry for that. I’m still going to step in when there’s a risk to your safety.”
That combination – respect plus firmness – is what keeps them in the room.
If you’re the co-parent, step-parent, or caregiver
Be careful about turning this into a loyalty test. Teens in separated families often worry that one household will use this as “proof” they’re a bad kid.
If possible, align with the other parent on a simple plan: calm conversation, safety steps, and agreed boundaries. Keep the focus on protecting your teen, not scoring points.
The most helpful closing thought
If your teen is sending nudes, it’s easy to see only the risk. Try to also see the opportunity: this is a moment where your teen learns whether you are a safe adult to come to when things go wrong. Hold the line on safety, keep shame out of the room, and you give them something that will outlast this crisis – a parent they can actually call when it matters.
