When Kiwi Families invited me to write from the view of a solo parent I was excited and felt that it was a great way to turn my situation into something positive. As the deadline got closer, the outside voices started creeping in to tell me I am not a writer, people wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say, and I am certainly no Susan Devoy. Then my heart spoke up and told me that at the end of the day we are all parents, and all seeking to connect. Ignore the voices and speak from the heart.
Money, routine, lunches, childcare and peace are the words at the forefront for the solo parents I spoke to.
It became apparent that solo parents in the primary caregiver role can easily get caught up in the unfortunate realities of looming responsibilities. With the holidays coming to an end, the fun of summer days are over and it is time to tighten the belts, focus solely on our kids’ needs and prepare them for another school year. While at the same time, doing our best to balance the life of a working solo parent with school and extra-curricular activities that will inevitably start, and all the time wondering when the exhaustion stops and the peace begins.
I regularly sense my daughter resents that I need to work and be so many roles. Her words break my heart when her cute little voice sadly says, “Do you have to go to work today mummy?”, “Can’t you pick me up early today?” and as I hear her talk excitedly about going to “fun daddy”. Being the primary sole parent does mean I have to be everything. It is reality, it is hard, and I often have to physically take a step back and think about being the “fun mum”.
When I spoke to solo parents about going back to school, I could feel the heartache and drain in parents’ voices as they spoke of the stress trying to come up with money for laptops, and not wanting to tell their child they won’t be able to go to school camp this year. I noticed too though, the reluctance in some to put their pride aside and ask or think outside the square.
One huge obstacle I have had to overcome was pride and not being afraid to speak up and ask if the school can do payment plans. In most situations, it sounds like schools are pretty good about it and if not, looking for alternative ways to do things. Work and Income offers $300 a year in interest free loans to cover school expenses. It’s good to know that is there if I really needed it, but my number one tactic is to believe. Believe that you deserve help; that you and your children deserve to have these things and having faith that the money will come through when you need it. Solo parenting has been a huge test of my faith and I am continuously in awe of how well faith works.
The two solo dads I spoke to highlighted another side to the back to school worries:
“Over the school holidays, my everyday routine has been juggling work by day and seeing my children each night. For me, changing from the working solo dad to just me on my own, there is a huge adjustment period, knowing at the end of the holidays my kids return to their mums to start the school year.” [Solo Dad, 36, shared care, lives in another town and has his kids every 2nd weekend and half of all the school holidays]
“For me, it brings an awareness that my son is growing up fast, there is only so much time left that I have to spend time with him, build that bond, set up the foundations that he will take with him and set him up for life.” [Solo Dad, 44, shared care of his youngest, the other two have left home]
This brought to light how much impact we have on our children. They are watching everything we do and as primary caregivers, it almost solely lays on us to show them by example. School reminds me that once my little girl leaves the house, what she learns and how she interacts with others is out of my control. I can only guide and support her to be the best version of herself, and hope that by being honest with myself and with her, by always endeavouring to learn, integrate my learnings and being the best me that I can be, that my parenting will set her up to go out there and make good choices. I know I am not perfect and knowing those imperfections impact on her as a person can be a daunting fact to swallow.
The 2012 school year begins. For us personally I see:
• The extra money needed for school as a temporary situation and a chance to be more creative with our resources.
The routine and earlier bedtimes as a chance to have more time in the evening to get organised for the day ahead and accomplish “stuff” just for me.
• Athletics starting as a positive outlet for my daughter’s boundless energy and less strength I need to find to keep my own sanity.
• School lunches do not have to be restaurant quality, just fill her lunchbox with good stuff she will definitely eat. Get her involved and make the home baking fun
• Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past and embrace being a solo mum as a proud part of who I am. Make something of myself and show my daughter we can bloom as a family by seeing the positive in everyday situations.
• Don’t let school mornings turn in to World War III. As long as it isn’t detrimental to her, let her naturally discover the consequence to her choices. Off to school with a kiss and hug is much more important than trying to convince her of something she can learn herself.
Yesterday, while the outside voices fought, I found myself not writing, but baking cookies for my daughter’s school lunches. I iced them, and then smiled remembering my daughter asking if she could add the hugs and kisses when we made Aunty a thank you card together. I put one in her lunchbox this morning and on the way to holiday programme told her the little story of why there is a kiss drawn in icing on her biscuit and that when she eats it today she will know mummy is sending her kisses and thinking of her. A smile peeped out across her face (it used to leap out before she started school and became more grown up), and I knew she was chuffed that mummy made the effort to do that especially for her.
Then she yelled out “Ooh, did you do a funny face with a tongue poking out?” I know her so well. “I did do one!” and we both cracked up laughing.
That warm fuzzy moment bonding over something shared is one day that we didn’t have the tears over being left at holiday programme, didn’t have to drive to work feeling guilty and one day that fuels me to survive another day as a solo parent. We are doing ok.
Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance
