A note given to me by my beautiful daughter recently. A reminder of what is really important to her as a 5 year old.
We are parents. Solo or not, we all know how tiring it is on a daily basis being in a job that is underpaid, undervalued and has contractual hours of 24/7. MY GOODNESS, no one in their right mind would ordinarily work under those working conditions, but we made a pact at the point when we decided to keep our child, to be parents for life, and very actively in their life until they reach the age of 18.
We can no longer take time off exactly when we want to, we can’t put our child in the “to do later” tray and no set lunchbreaks or any of the normal job perks. However, the rewards that we do get back are completely relative to the work we put in.
One really clear message has stuck with me: long before my separation, sitting at couples counselling hearing the counsellor say to us “as parents we need to get US right first”. That is, if we aren’t healthy and coming from a loving space, this impacts directly on our children. As a solo parent, getting US right is just “me”, so this feels even more important and a topic I have become very passionate about.
It’s hard though. I hear the angry voices of my Mum when I had wanted some time for “me” in the earlier days, telling me that I need to make sacrifices and put my life on hold. That I shouldn’t have had a child if I need to work. I remember the father of my child demanding I come home from my first scrapbooking session in four months, because our daughter was now home and I wasn’t there. Those incidents planted the seeds of many, to work towards a better healthier family for my daughter to grow up in.
So why do parents all over the world put their children first and I ask myself what constitutes “putting children first”? Did you grow up in a family like mine where our parents sacrificed so much for us, put life on hold for us, to such an extent that when we left home Mum didn’t know who she was? She had not just sacrificed for us kids, she had sacrificed herself. Yes, I do believe our kids have to be a priority in our lives but to me, being healthy and having a healthy family is about balance. Balance needs to include all our needs – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual (**see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs below), as well as doing our best to meet those needs for our child so they leave home as healthy and balanced as possible.
I learn so much from my daughter and I never would have thought that this little one in my life who walks around the house singing her sentences, chatting away 100 miles an hour, races around the house like a Lightning McQueen, wiggles her naked bottom in my face to wake me up 6 in the morning, clings to my leg for dear life having a tantrum when you try to leave her at school in her old sneakers because we discovered she left her new ones there all weekend, would turn out to be the very one who brings to my attention that I really just need to slow down. Recently, in my rush to drop my daughter at school, I ignored the signs and ended up with a speeding ticket! I needed to hear the message; I needed to slow down.
I have Wednesdays off work but until recently most Wednesdays were spent catching up on housework, running errands til 2.30pm then racing around to pick up my daughter from school feeling stressed out. Often I hadn’t had lunch yet and had no energy to play and spend quality time with my daughter. I could see her joy at mummy arriving to pick her up, then feel her heart sink when I was too exhausted and didn’t feel up to playing with her. Being around isn’t enough for her, being present with her, is what she loves the most.
Today I went and got a long overdue haircut in a salon, then got my nails “buffed, shaped and polished” for $15 J. I searched inside myself to find the seed of guilt, which once would have plagued me as I justified how I could spend money and time on something considered to be a luxury by many. There was nothing. I truly felt that I deserved to treat myself like this. For the first time in months, today actually felt like a day off. I felt nurtured and energised. I felt like a beautiful woman, not just a mum, and I had a spring in my step. It felt great. For the first time this year I arrived at school before the bell went off, feeling relaxed and ready to put energy into quality time with my girl like she deserves.
We all deserve a good and happy life and I believe if we recognise that for our child to be happy and healthy, we as parents need to be too, there is a much greater chance of success developing a happy “healthy family”.
I love this intro out of the front of a Twigseeds book by Kate Knapp:
“Twigseeds reminds us to take time out for ourselves, the people we love, and the things we love to do. To take care of ourselves as well as others, the little things as well as the big stuff, our planet as well as our back yard. Most importantly, Twigseeds reminds us to smile and sit and watch and flap and hop and run and climb and sing and fly.”
We’ve got a gorgeous copy of Kate Knapp’s It’s Not Always Black and White to give away- just check out our competitions page.
**Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Maslow hierarcy of needs, in short, Maslow believed that as your first needs are largely met – Physiological needs, a second layer of needs shows up – Safety. You then become increasingly aware of your desire to have these needs met and so on. If the needs aren’t met in your Physiological by your parent or yourself, you will look to find them in other ways or areas. If you are deficit in any of these through your childhood, you then develop a need for the parts that you missed out on. If you analyse this it starts to bring meaning to behaviours, understand why 1 in 5 people can suffer from depression and go through most or all of their life not getting their needs met. For me, it brings enlightenment and understanding to behaviour in our children, ourselves and other adults in our everyday life.
Useful websites
http://mariamontessori.com/mm/?p=1412 by Sue Pritzker is an AMI consultant and Head of School at Childpeace Montessori School in Portland, Oregon. I think this is a fantastic article, however, in order to be this for your child, you need to put yourself first to be the best you that you can be for your child.
http://www.occ.org.nz/blog_listing/blog_pages/putting_children_first
http://www.iowseparatedfamilies.org.uk/ “because supporting the whole family brings better outcomes for children…” note it doesn’t say because making children your sole priority brings better outcomes for children.
http://www.parenting-child-development.com/
http://www.medicinenet.com/parenting/article.htm
The idea behind the Love and Logic™ theory is this: Parents should provide an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and empathy while allowing the natural consequences of a child’s behavior and actions to do the teaching.
http://www.ayurvedanz.com/ayurveda-new-zealand/ayurveda-new-zealand
Ayurveda is becoming increasingly popular in many countries. Its emphasis is on maintaining health by following wholesome diet, having the right attitude to life and giving equal importance to spiritual aspect of your life. (Not something I have followed personally, but is how I already try to live and are striving more towards living this way each day and hope to look in to Ayurveda more).
Feeling guilty about having time off, or getting jobs done? Insanity! This is the problem with the anti-smacking law. We parents “aren’t allowed” to insist little people leave us ALONE. Instead they bother us with their songs, their boring stories, their stupid pictures. Play with them?? Been there, done that. I played when I was their age, it wasn’t hard, go away and try it yourself. Before you know it, when they’re 15 and been mollycoddled their whole lives “being played with and listened to”, they won’t be able to make their own way in the world. Children must be… Read more »
Aw, I was just being silly- trolling the internet trying for a rise. This article is intelligently written and raises important points. Parents are under so much pressure to do the right thing by their tamariki. Putting their own needs and comforts second to their children’s. If somebody worked a 9-5 job, but that’s ALL they did, we’d all tell them to get out, get a life, get a hobby- otherwise there are very real risks of burnout, depression, alcoholism and the like. Same with parenting. If you don’t get time to yourself, you’ll burn out and may end up… Read more »
Hahah! Your comments made me laugh out loud, Damian! There are certainly times where I tell my three year old to just leave me alone for a while! Important for everyone, I think 😉
Cheers,
Rochelle
I think there is definitely some warrant in this Damien – even though you said you were just being silly…I grew up on a farm and we were always playing independently out on the farm, in drains, barns and starting fires down the road LOL, we had a trampoline without a net too, drove tractors and forklifts etc before we got a license, took the dog for a walk miles away from home at a young age without supervision, it was just how it was…coincidence or not that I have grown to love my own space, love time just on… Read more »
I hear ya! Must admit I am experiencing the same but different! My girls are now 12 and 15 and at an age where they can do a bit more round the house to help and can be left home alone for short periods if I have to work late or have a meeting etc which is a huge help. I have always had jobs that worked around my kids, followed and supported all their afterschool activities and have been on numerous committees- Plunket, Playcentre, PTA’s and BOT’s to support them. My problem now is to move onto the next stage where I… Read more »
Thank you for the article – and for the links to a great cross-section of additional reading.
Thank you 🙂 I hope you find some of the extra reading helpful, I got a bit carried away LOL 🙂
Thank you. This was an amazing article that is so true so so many of us. As many of us i’m sure have been told many times before we signed up for this so grin and bare it. But we do we need a break or a little something for us. Or we would go mad. Thank you again that was an amazing article that i needed reminding of.
Thank you so much for sharing Dani, I think we all feel it inside ah but its like we need permission to look after ourselves and its crazy…the judgements, the competitions to be super mums and all that stuff is just crap if we actually listened to our intuition and what was authentic and right for our own family. Its taken me a long time to shed the judgements and backlash from my parents and I had to step away from them altogether and focus on what I know is a bigger part of my journey now and that is… Read more »
What your mother said to you, I have also had various people say to me. It completetly deflated me every time, and then made me feel guilty for wanting a little time for myself. What I found particularly hard to take was the comment regarding having to work . .. but that is another story.
Deflated is a good description Angela. If only they knew the effect their words truly have on us ah?! Guilt is strong and now whenever people say stuff that makes me feel guilty for something that I know is healthy and needed, I hear it and then try and just let it go and carry on my own path. I feel some sympathy towards them, its more often than not that their life is really out of balance and needs some nurture but their life has been starved of it for so long they can’t recognise it or know how… Read more »